The Marriage
by Pencilwalla
Summary: Companion to Bluff. Integra marries...a normal guy? Also contains blatant AxI, triplets, and reporters who talk out loud. Also: Multichapter!
1. In Which People Breed Like Rabbits

Thanks for all the feedback

_The Marriage_

Many things happened on February the thirteenth.

Children were born with eight toes. Socks were lost in dryers. Blood was spilled. Blood was given. Blood packets were strewn across the floor and picked up by butlers.

And a council of twelve supposedly intelligent men informed Integra Hellsing she was unfit to run her organization until she got married.

Of course, the word spread, and some of her old enemies, despite having been pwned at Bluff, decided to offer their...help...

It was not taken well.

--

"The Major sent me a love letter...with extremely explicit descriptions of..._with illustrated diagrams? _He_ labeled _them?"

Integra's expression, red-cheeked, wide eyed, mouth opened in horror, was so comical that it could have come straight out of some deranged shoujo/humor manga.

Alucard looked over her shoulder.

"You have to admire his creativity, Master...are those drawn to scale?"

"I think I'm going to be ill. My eyes...my eyes have just been deflowered. Metaphorically. Walter? Go find me a dull spoon so I can gouge them out."

Walter, who had just entered with some soothing tea, looked alarmed. "Sir Integra, is something wrong?"

"Not something. Everything. I opened the letter the Major sent to me and...Alucard, you explain this, I'm going to go shoot things until I feel better. Or something happens that is sufficiently catastrophic as to distract me."

"He has a whole section on threesomes, Walter, Police Girl, and Captain Bernadette are all included...the only person not mentioned is _me_."

"Thank God for small mercies." Integra replied, slamming the door behind her and leaving Walter to puzzle out her behavior.

--

"Well, thankfully, the problem has been resolved without bloodshed." Integra began, looking at her audience. Her two vampires, and Walter were in attendance, all waiting expectantly for her decision.

"Didn't you incapacitate Maxwell with a coffee table?" Alucard asked. Integra ignored him and went on.

"The order- that I find a husband to 'stabilize' my mental condition- has been met. One of the Knights of the Round Table has a third son who has no chance at inheriting anything, and is less than flamboyant. He's being forced to marry me or be disowned. The wedding will be in about four months."

"Er...Sir Integra. I don't mean to be rude, but...why exactly does the Round Table think you're unstable?" Seras asked slowly.

"A combination of various things, including a disastrous meeting with a psychiatrist that ended up with the doctor in a mental asylum mortally terrified of the dark, and the hope that marrying me off might keep me from making cracks about their mistresses whenever they try to cut my budget."

"That reminds me, Sir Integra; the doctor's family contacted us about payment for Dr. Kull's treatment." Walter said, producing an envelope from the same place that Anderson pulled his bayonets and Alucard kept his guns, masses of random clothes, and endless ammunition.

Integra smiled slyly. "Take it out of Alucard's blood ration, seeing as he was the one who decided to sabotage the meeting."

--

Eric Feldman was a normal person. He was the son of someone important, but didn't have much money of his own, so he worked for a company that manufactured tea blenders. He had a girlfriend, a tiny person with masses of dark curls named Sara who worked in a tea shop. If you saw him on the street you would pass him by without a second thought.

Until today, when he was marched into his father's office, told that one; that there was a woman in this group that was in need of a husband, and two; vampire existed and this woman-Sir Hellsing-fought them.

Unknowingly, Eric had just entered a select group of the people who knew. A large portion of this group was dead.

But no one had told Eric this.

And on this fine morning, he was going to a restaurant to have a private brunch with his fiancé. There were many, many rumors that he'd heard upon further research; the most he had been able to confirm was that she was a woman of strong character, forceful personality, and great power. Oh, and she had a pet vampire.

That last point was rather frightening to Eric, who was a thoroughly unsuperstitious person.

But he put on brave face and marched, in his best suit, into the reserved back room. To his horror (good manners dictate the man arrive before the lady) Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing was already seated at the little table, absently drinking tea.

"G-Good morning." He managed, taking her in. She too was in a suit, cream colored, and her face was bare of any make up, her clothes free of unnecessary adornment. Her eyes were very piercing.

"Good morning." She replied.

"So...ah...I trust you found this place alright...er...?" The restaurant in question was very well known and faced the street. Eric felt rather like a complete moron at that moment.

"Integra. I suppose if we're going to be married, we ought to be on first name terms."

"Oh. Right. I'm Eric Feldman but you knew that..."

"There's no need to be so nervous. I can assure you that I rarely rip people to shreds with my bare hands, or whatever it is you've been told about me." Generally, Integra left the whole ripping-to-shreds-by-hand thing to Alucard, but there was no reason to tell Eric that.

"Of course not! I'm sure you'd never do anything like that..."

"You don't have to keep playing polite, Eric. I realize that you are probably as unhappy about this as I am. My hope is for us is that we can at least reach amiable terms with each other. This is a business arrangement, and I expect from you only the respect I would ask for from an associate. If you have questions, and I'm sure you do- Sir Feldman is not what I'd call forthcoming-then ask them."

"I was informed, earlier, of your...current post as the head of an organization...my father said he didn't have time to discuss the details..."

"You were informed of the arrangements this morning?" Integra's eyebrows went up. She scowled. "I run a vampire-hunting organization. We protect the Queen and country with our lives from the undead that plague it. We have a small army of human men and two vampires on staff."

"Two vampires?"

"Yes, about six months ago there was a...situation that left us with another one."

"You've run this organization for several years now?"

"Since I was twelve." She went on to extrapolate on the logistics, strategy, etc. of vampire hunting. It was interesting, and she seemed much less frigid when she was discussing her business. This was obviously her element.

"I have a favor to ask of you, Integra- I have three older sisters who run a very successful wedding planning business. They're very excited about this wedding. I was hoping you could involve them in the process- they'll work for free, obviously."

"Nonsense. Give me their number and they can have free rein. I have no time to plan a wedding."

--

"I have only three requirements."

June, May, and August were Eric's older sisters. They were triplets. And they'd married three brothers who were also triplets.

Integra vowed to avoid all possible family reunions for the rest of her life, or at least until she could tell them apart.

"Only...three?" June repeated hopefully. She normally dealt with clients who already were sure of what they wanted, and what they wanted was generally hideous. The idea of free rein over anything, even if they weren't getting paid, was highly appealing.

"One, I want complete control over the guest list. Two, I want control over the budget. And three, I want the wedding held at night, on the grounds of Hellsing headquarters. Besides, that, I don't particularly care what you do. Just send me the bills and whatever I have to sign."

May was the most blunt of the three, and so was the first to speak up. "I understand the first two, but why do you want to get married at night in a field used for soldiers to march around in?"

Integra found this bluntness refreshing, and decided to answer in kind. "One, the maintenance of that 'field' costs more than ten weddings. Two, this is Hellsing ground, and I am a Hellsing first and anything else second. And third, I need you to attend a security briefing in three days to explain why we need a night wedding."

"We don't mean to be rude, Integra." August was the youngest and the most tactful. "We'll do our best for you. I'm glad that you and Eric are getting married. It's good that he's settling down."

"Thank you, August. I'll see you on Thursday. Just come up to the gate of the house, I'll make sure someone escorts you inside."

The three women, identical brown ponytails swinging behind them, strode out of the room in a practiced sort of movement. Integra glanced down into her lap, where she had the three's dossier, and nodded.

"That went well."

Meanwhile, the triplets were not so sure.

"Great. Eric's marrying a weirdo. She's so cold! What happened to Sara? I thought Eric and her were dating. In fact, I seem to recall her being with Eric at dinner not last week." May complained as soon as she thought they were out of earshot. (Integra's hearing was significantly better than most, and she had intercom systems all over the house for this very purpose.)

"Shh, May, not in the house." August hissed, dragging her older sister by the arm.

"We don't even know what happened. Father could have arranged for a business match- you know how much he hates Sara." June said.

"And he likes this woman? This Hellsing? She's the one he's always complaining about at home." May went on, slamming a car door shut behind her. Safe in the velvet interior of their car, the three sighed in unison.

"The grounds looked flat, anyways. We could bring in flowers, or mini trees, or..." August trailed off. "Something to brighten it up a little."

"Pity we can't brighten up her frigid face." May snapped, and stared down at her hands in fury.

--

"Oh, there you are. Come here for a minute, I need a partner." Integra, swept into the room, dressed in her full wedding gown, her hair pulled up in a sweeping bun that exposed her neck. She grabbed onto Alucard's arm.

"What are you doing out here in the middle of the day? Never mind, just come with me so we can get this over with."

As she talked, she hauled him down the hall with surprising ease, despite the fact she was shorter than he was. Someone who didn't know them would have been surprised at how little effort it took her.

"A partner."

"Yes, for the wedding. Walter is busy, or I would get him to help me, but I suppose you'll do...you're too tall though..."

"Practicing for the wedding already?"

"Yes, I have to wear these bloody high heels and this stupid dress and I thought I'd better try dancing in them now before I'm forced to do it in front of two hundred other people. No doubt I'll fall and hurt myself."

"Oh. Dancing." Alucard sounded disappointed, and Integra, her natural paranoia fueled by years of having her bath filled with blood and her cakes stuffed with spiders, among other, more insidious things, picked right on it and stopped him.

"What did you think I was asking you to-do not answer that. Not one bloody word."

They arrived at the doors of the ballroom, where some music was playing and the triplets were waiting, August with a pair of white, strappy heels in hand and May with a disgruntled expression.

"One of us could have danced with you." She complained.

"I don't dance." Integra replied, dragging Alucard out onto the floor. "I just want to insure my ankles will survive this ordeal."

"Haven't you ever worn high heels before?" June asked. Integra shook her head and hesitantly laid her hand on Alucard's shoulder.

"Let's get this over with." She said, resigned, and they started to waltz slowly across the floor.

Integra would never admit it, but her vampire was the only person in the world she felt particularly comfortable dancing with, if only because she didn't have to play nice with him or make conversation. Not to mention she could lean on him if her shoes pinched without worrying about propriety.

Plus he, never, ever stepped on her feet. Something to do with a portion of the blood bond called the Asimov Approval.

"Why do women wear these things? They do such awful things to your back. Do they want to limp around like cripples all the time?"

"It's graceful. Delicate. Feminine, Master. Some women do think about such things."

"Why not write 'mug me' on their foreheads and be done with it?"

"Practicality before beauty- how Hellsing of you."

"Well? How do those shoes fit?" May called across the room. "Good enough?"

Integra threw her her best glare, the one that made grown man cower. It had much the same effect on May. "I hate them. Find me something that doesn't turn me into a clown on stilts. Alucard, you're dismissed."

She turned away from her, bent and undid the straps on her sandals, and unceremoniously dumped them in June's arms. "Let's finish the dress fitting. I have a report to write."

--

**Um...yeah. So people liked Bluff, and now I have a huge amount of ideas for these crackfics. These include Integra switching bodies...with a teenage girl who loves vampires. Also the classic 'random other Hellsings who become the heirs' cliché. And more to come! If you have an idea, leave it in a review.**

**Also, if this fic makes zero sense, let me know so I can fix it.**


	2. In Which The Major Ruins The Moment

Thanks for all the feedback

--

Everyone has their quirks. Sometimes they are helpful, sometimes they're just there, and sometimes they're bizarre and self-destructive.

Correspondent Marlene Broach liked to talk to herself as if she were typing up the article she was writing, juicy gossip and all. This was not a problem at the Hellsing wedding, because as long as she stayed out of the way, people pretty much ignored her. From this vantage point, she could see everything.

Well, that abnormally tall man dancing with Sir Hellsing had given her a look, but she figured it was her stylish new dress. It wasn't as if he could read her mind or anything.

"MB here, at the Hellsing wedding. After an eventless ceremony, I despaired that anything worth telling would happen, but fear not readers: immediately, the MC, one of Feldman's numerous cousins, Jonathan, announced rather tactlessly the 'family dances'. Of course, while the Feldmans breed like rabbits, Hellsings seem to be on the brink of extinction: only the frigid Integral remains. Interestingly enough, none of Integral's maternal relatives came. Bad blood? A broken, long-forgotten engagement from birth? Your correspondent will tell all. One would expect Integral to sit out this round of dances and finally act like a real hostess, mingle as she should, but instead she danced at least five songs with a mysterious stranger. Who is this person? A family friend? Oddly enough, despite his being well-dressed, the guests keep away from him as though in fear...what could the Hellsings be hiding? The music provided for the dance was form no other than the hot new band Millennium, whose eclectic music and appearance has garnered worldwide attention. Dressed in plain, matching black tuxedos, they play simple, classic music and seem content to stay in the background. How did Integral get them to play? Bribery, or is she a secret fan? Could she be the woman who threw herself on stage at their last concert?"

Marlene paused here to breath, and looked up to find a pair of cool blue eyes staring her down. Integra Hellsing, dressed in her wedding dress and finery, her expression distasteful, was standing right in front of her. The man Marlene had recognized was behind her. Now that Marlene was closer, she could see why the others avoided him...he was kind of...creepy.

"I don't recall inviting you to this wedding, Marlene Broach." She said calmly. "Get off my property before I have you thrown off."

"Excuse me? I have every right!" Marlene was a firm believer in her right to print and research.

"To trespass on private property? I don't think so." Integra pinched the bridge of her nose is irritation. "Now, get out of my sight lest I feel inclined to use you as target practice."

Marlene had not had the foresight to wear her bullet proof vest, and so fled, clutching her false wig with one hand and holding up her skirt with the other.

It had not gone well so far.

First the ceremony itself, which had been surprisingly nerve-wracking and had elicited gasps when she disinclined to let Eric kiss her; then all the fools who'd rushed to gape and talk at her like she was an exotic monkey; the fiasco of the family dances, and Alucard forcibly dragging her off to dance despite her protest that he sure as hell was not family; and now this idiot reporter and the inflammatory and inaccurate article she would no doubt write and publish by tomorrow.

At least she'd made no plans for a honeymoon. Suddenly paperwork was starting to sound almost pleasant.

"And now, the bride and groom will open the gifts they've so graciously given..." Eric's cousin- Jonathan? She hadn't been paying attention- was talking again.

She dragged herself over to her husband, and they sat down at a table on a raised platform so that everyone could have their chance to stare. Eric picked up a package and offered it to her, and she sighed.

"Who is this one from?" Integra asked, turning it over for a tag. It was from her new mother-in-law.

The box contained a reservation for an extremely expensive resort...in the Caribbean.

Sun. Sand. Sea. Island. The least likely place for a vampire to be, ever. On the other hand, she wouldn't be able to work for a whole week. The way her desk might look flashed through her mind, followed by the Valentine brothers, followed by...the cemetery.

Absolutely out of the question.

"This one's from my cousin Robert." Eric explained, ripped off the paper haphazardly. "He's given us a set of wineglasses, which his wife no doubt picked out."

"How nice. How many more?"

"Twenty or so, I think. Hey, this one's for you personally. It's addressed to Lady Hellsing, I thought your title was Sir..."

"Give me that. It's almost certainly from Alucard." She debated whether or not to open it, since present from Alucard tended to be hit-and-miss in terms of desirability, but her curiosity and her boredom got the best of her in the end. Maybe it would frighten away all her guests.

It was an anti-vampire grenade, the latest model from the Hellsing Research Department. This one was supposed to be harmless against humans, kill up to twenty ghouls or one, may be two vampires, as well as sanitize an area against undead temporarily. She'd been waiting impatiently for the scientists to finish so she could test it out.

"Integra? You should probably open something else, people are starting got talk and I've opened six more while you've been looking at that one...what is it exactly?"

"Exactly what I wanted." She replied, snapping the box shut. She stowed it under her chair and made to get another present.

A gunshot rang out. Without thinking, she grabbed Eric and hauled him under the table, out of the way, but there was no need. The bullet had been aimed at the wedding cake, sitting unattended in the center of the floor. Its pink and white frosting spattered over nearby guests.

The shooter was Marlene Broach, something that didn't register until Integra glimpsed her eyes and saw the pupils. They were tinted red, a sign of vampiric mind control.

_Alucard!_

_The next one is for you. Get down._

_I am down! Where's the damn vampire?_

Someone screamed; Integra jumped back up, gun in hand, and saw what looked to be a young vampire holding one of the guests.

"Sara!" Eric yelled, and Integra didn't pause to think; she took aim and put a bullet into the wall near the vampire's head. She couldn't risk hitting the woman.

"You little slut! I'll kill you!" The vampire made a signal with one hand, and Marlene lifted her gun again and turned, eyes lifeless, t point it at Integra. The blonde, infuriated director ignored her and started down the podium. Alucard moved to her side.

"Alucard. Get rid of it. And don't hurt the woman, one fledgling is quite enough."

_Wait until I get the guests out of here. Then kill him. Keep him busy til then._

_Yes, Master. Look at his necklace._

Integra started yelling for everyone to move to the front lawn. People, frightened and confused, complied, and Integra followed them unwillingly out of the field.

_The symbol? Yes, I saw. It's how he got in. Belongs to the Vatican last I heard._

_It's not like the Vatican to use vampires._

A gunshot. Eric tugged at her arm; she had unwittingly started walking back toward the site of the wedding, where presumably Alucard was massacring the vampire.

_No. This is something else entirely. I'll call Maxwell as soon as possible and demand an explanation._

_I thought he was still in the hospital._

_No, he was allowed to leave yesterday._

--

"...so figure out your security, you incompetent bastard, and then you can fling insults! Bloody idiot!" Integra hurled the phone across the room so that it hit the wall, and then laid her head down on her desk. She was still in her wedding things and had been making calls for almost two hours. It was close to midnight, there was gong to be mass information suppression that would be deemed her fault, and she broken her high heels.

She decided to call it a night and went into her bedroom, pulled a silky nightgown out of her drawer without thinking, realized what she was doing after getting dressed and crawled into bed.

It was hot, she realized belatedly and congratulated herself on the scanty nightgown.

Her eyes had just closed when a shadow blocked out the moonlight just visible through her eyelids.

"How can I sleep with you lurking in my bedroom, Alucard?" She asked, sitting up in bed. Alucard's eyes flicked downward to the low neckline on her nightdress.

"Stop that. What do you want?"

"You should be happier, Master. Isn't this the moment all little girls dream of?"

"One, I am not a little girl. Two, little girls don't dream of their wedding nights, to even ones that have experienced the crash course in sex education living with you has turned out to be. And three, no one in their right mind would dream of you invading their bedroom in the dead of night."

"Wrong!" The vampire slid one finger under her chin and forced her head up so she had to look at him. She regarded him with cool eyes. "You are still a little girl to me."

"Because you're approximately thirty centimeters taller than I am? Are you so high up that you can't tell I've grown taller?"

Without warning, Alucard snatched her out of bed and hoisted her up into the air. She glared crossly down at him, as he leered at her.

"No, you still look like a little girl, even from this angle."

"Put me down." She ordered. He complied, and she lay back down, but didn't get under the covers again. It was still insanely hot. "If I'm a little girl, why the hell do you spy on me in the shower? Have you suddenly become a child molester?"

He scowled at her, and she felt better. "Your body changes. _You_ do not. You never will."

"Yes, we Hellsings are a stubborn lot- how else could we keep you in line? And- who the hell is outside my window?"

There was a round shadow perched outside, attempting to hide in a tree. Unfortunately, the tree was dead and had no foliage to provide cover, and the shadow was cleanly outlined by the light of the moon. Integra realized exactly why the shadow seemed familiar and groped around on her bedside table for her glasses, and then her gun.

"You're certainly in demand today, Master. First that reporter, then the vampires at the wedding, and now the Major is outside your window."

"And carrying flowers." She smelled roses. "I suppose it was too much to ask for a quiet night..."

With a thump, the Major leapt onto the window sill. He barely made it, scrambling ungainly for a perch, and his arms flapped like a rabid ducks. In the process, he dropped all his flowers onto the ground. Integra made a mental note to have them picked up and set on fire later.

"Madam Hellsing!" The Major said, his yellow eyes alight. "A good evening to you! Congratulations on your wedding!"

"If I pushed him off, would he die?" Integra asked idly. Alucard shook his head.

"That insane Major is like a cockroach: even if you crushed him, he would get back up."

"Then_ you_ crush him." She replied. "Before he starts commenting on my nightgown."

There was the sound of metal screeching, scraping, and crunching as Alucard proceeded to rip the Major's arms off as brutally and messily as possible. Nuts, bolts, and scraps littered the floor, sparkling in the moonlight. The Major coughed up oil and began yelling.

"Jealous, Alucard? Because your mistress will not accept your gifts?"

"I'd be delighted with your head." Integra snapped. "Particularly if it were in pieces."

"Your wish is my command, Master," The vampire set to work in earnest, and Integra lay back down in peace.

Somewhere along the way, she thought, carnage had become her lullaby.

--

"You lying, cheating scum!"

That was not what Integra usually awoke to. It was 'Sir Integra?' from Walter, or a zombie-summoningly loud alarm clock, or Seras throwing someone out on the grounds. Never May, June or August- most likely May- in her bedroom early in the morning.

"Damn." She muttered, moving to get up and brushing up against something that definitely wasn't supposed to be in her bed.

Pillows, blankets, a book, Alucard...ah. Alucard.

"You...you have a man in your bed! A vampire! And where's Eric? Did you have him eaten?"

"Oh, for God's sakes, shut up. It's too early for you to be this animated." That may not have been the wisest move, but Integra was not a morning person. She was forced to get up due to her strong sense of duty. Until there was tea in her stomach, a cigar in her mouth, and a task at hand, she was as likely as not to kill you for being too loud.

"You bitch!" May wailed, charging. Integra rolled out of the way and hit the brunette with a pillow. Stunned, she froze, and the Hellsing spoke.

"Eric is down the hall. Now get the hell out of my bedroom."

May fled, Integra went for a shower, and Walter left tea. He also left a 'not bomb' letter in her breakfast tray from Iscariot. Said letter was opened by a half dressed Integra, stabbed, shot at, and then crumpled in fury.

"Bastard! Idiot! Thrice-damned incompetent fool, oh, I'll kill him this time, I'll rend him limb from-"

"I'm trying to sleep here, Master, not that I don't appreciate your ranting-"

"Shut up! You have a damn coffin, so use it or get used to the noise! Maxwell- he called the Round Table and told them I was unstable! THEY'RE MAKING ME GO ON A HONEYMOON!"

Alucard's response was to cover his head with a pillow. Integra threw her lamp at him.

"I heard a crash, Sir Integra, is everything..." Walter trailed off. "I suppose you read the letter?"

"Yes." Her voice was cold and blank, lacking the passion she'd displayed seconds ago. "Pack my suitcase. Include the things Seras gave me for Christmas. And tell Eric."

--

Somewhere else, Maxwell read his doctor's note with glee...'_patient is advised to take a relaxing vacation, preferably in the sun..._'

"Caribbean cruise, here I come."

--

**Yes, two at once is a little weird, but hey! I had it all written! After rewatching the original Hellsing anime and then my newly-bought OVAS, I have to say: did the people who did the first one not realize Alucard is indestructible? Because he is. Really. No one ever kills him...he makes it all the way to the final chapter of Hellsing...all his enemies pretty much die awful deaths. Yet he seems to temporarily be stopped by decapitation in the Hellsing series...**

**So, about the fic: what's next? The cruise...of evil...boats tend to die in the manga, and I see no reason to break with tradition...**

**Also, blatant AxI is happiness. Shut up! Chapter 95 made it canon!**


	3. In Which Comic Artists Cameo

"...I hate sand." Integra said, looking distastefully at their surroundings. Deserted, pristine tropical island. Bubbling brook probably full of disease. Palm trees that provided no shade. And lots and lots of white, soft sand that got into her shoes and clothes and hair and never, ever came out.

Eric was bewildered. He'd never had so many things go wrong for him on one vacation before, at least not on this scale. Lost bags and expired paperwork, yes, but the boat sinking, being locked in the hold by angry Catholic priests, forced to make a narrow escape on an inflatable raft that now had a hole in it...

"You still have your briefcase?" he said, surprised. Sure enough, the black leather case was in Integral's hand.

"It doubles as a floatation device. I try for some cell phone service, and if not, I'll try and reach Alucard mentally."

"Right. Should we try and find food, or...?" He really had no idea what to do. He'd read about these things, but had no practical experience in shipwrecks.

"We should boil all the water we drink in a leaf, if possible. See what you can find, but don't go too far. I'll get a fire started."

A few hours later, the two were sitting near a burning fire, watching the sunset. It was beautiful; full of swirling colors like a child's drawing. Their water boiled, a meal of unidentifiable and slightly bitter fruit eaten, they were settling in to sleep. Integral had been unable to use her cell phone, and had elected to wait til later in the night to try and reach Alucard.

"It's easier if we're both awake." She said, seeing his uncomprehending expression. "The distance combined with the ocean makes it hard enough as it is, and I don't want to try and use the seal unless I have to."

"Right. Do you want to me to keep watch, or...?"

"I'll wake you when I start." She smiled in an attempt to be comforting. "Go to sleep for now." Eric nodded at his wife and curled up in a ball. He was eager to stay close to the fire, dressed as he was in only swim trunks and an ugly Hawaiian print shirt.

Integra lay back, staring blankly in to the sky. Trying to establish mental contact with her vampire was a tricky business, and she didn't want to risk getting sucked into one of his dreams or something. Slowly, her eyes rolled backward into her head as she went into parts of her consciousness she rarely explored...and then into darker places...

_Master?_

_The ship crashed. Come and get me. Quickly. And tell Walter he needs to capture Maxwell, who tried to murder me by locking me in the cargo hold. He's on a ship headed to Denmark last I heard. Have the Round Table informed. Hurry._

_Sand in your hair?_

_Oh, you have no idea. _

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As it happened, the ship Maxwell was on was not, in fact, going to Denmark. It was going to Hawaii, and it was going there because it was delivering certain research subjects to a supposed 'light bulb manufacturing plant.' Actually, the plant in question had long sine gone compact fluorescent, and was the home and lab of Dok.

Dok was alone, since the only company he had was the Major's frequent visits, which were mainly for the purpose of begging Dok to sneak him into Hellsing Manor or other stupidity. Since the Major had reverted to back-up state-a brain in a tank that mercifully had a mute button-Dok was left to his solitude, and his research. In this case, fourth wall breakage and/or fangirl resizing.

He was expecting a very important package, and when it arrived, he brought it with the aid of many machines to his workroom. There, he seized a high-tech hammer and began magnetically extracting the nails. The door fell open, revealing a glass tank covered with a white sheet, and...a priest?

"What are you doing here?" Dok, perhaps from years of Schrödinger messing up his experiments, was highly paranoid about surprises. Maxwell smiled his most charming smile, the one that made him look like a sick, constipated panda, and held up his hands in a gesture of peace.

"I am Father Maxwell of the Catholic Church. I was supposed to be on a boat to Denmark, so if you don't mind, I'll just-"

"You! Iscariot! I suppose you're the right weight..." Dok mused out loud. "Fine. You will be my next specimen. We will see if the serum works correctly, and then I can be discharged of all debt to that pig."

What many didn't know was that a long time ago, the Major had spared Dok from a horrendous fate involving a mob with flaming pitchforks and a well. Thus, the doctor had gone to work for him, and had enjoyed doing great and fascinating research. However, the Major was no longer of any use to him; only a lingering curiosity as to his robotic state and a feeling of debt owed kept him from joining Rip and the others during the original defection. However, he felt he had gone far enough; once Serum 97 was proved marginally successful, he was moving to some cold, deserted place, like Siberia. Then he would have some real research.

So Dok had some of his machinery carry Maxwell into an isolation cell, where he was forcibly injected with a sample and left for observation. Then, Dok returned gleefully to his main project and his other delivery. The white-wrapped glass tank was waiting for him, and he didn't want to deny himself the pleasure of know whether it had worked any longer.

A few weeks ago, Dok had begun his first attempt at fourth wall breakage He judged the best way would be to try and draw subjects from the closest sources: fangirls, who were devoted enough to cross the barriers and reach their universe. Thus he tried to summon a fangirl and resize her to a suitable form, but the amount of expended energy required he have her appear someone else. Specifically, the desert in New Mexico. All week, Dok had waited for this tank to see what he had managed to catch.

Unfortunately, luck was not on his side, for at that instant, a helicopter crash-landed through his roof and directly into his lab. Everything was smashed within minutes, leaving Dok, a splintered tank, and Maxwell in the rubble.

"Who was in charge of refueling this damn thing?" A loud, angry female voice rang out. Both men recognized it, and Maxwell's eyes took on a strange cast.

"Integral...Integral..." He muttered creepily, and Dok mentally noted this as a sign his serum had taken effect. He was exhibiting the hypothesized symptoms- abnormal fixation on any attractive females, twitching, mumbling. Then ,with a flourish, he ripped off the white sheet and stared into the ruined tank.

Unharmed but trapped, Erin Ptah stared back at him, and then spotted an extremely irate Integral Hellsing coming towards her.

"Integra, marry me! Or just hire me! I would gladly spend my life fulfilling your every desire, even if that's only making you tea and fluffing your pillows!"

There was silence, and then Dok frantically began recording her words on a nearby scarp of paper.

"That was creepy. Alucard, we're leaving. Now. Go dig Eric out of the helicopter and find me some alternate transportation, and I don't care if the sun bothers you, and I swear to God if you make one smart comment I'll personally insure you spend the next century in the basement."

"Aren't those pills you take supposed to cure you of PMS?" Alucard asked idly, pulling his hat down even further to protect his face from the hatefully bright sun.

"Oh, shut up!" Integra snapped. Maxwell walked up to her; he seemed surprisingly calm given he had tried to kill her yesterday.

"I love you."

"...pardon?" She asked weakly.

"I love you. You make me angry, but I still love you. We should elope to Denmark."

"...the hell?" Integra asked, shaking her head in exasperation. "I'm never leaving my office again..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is a given fact that older sisters plot against their younger brothers, and May, June ,and August were no exception. What's more, Eric's ex-girlfriend (who had dumped him directly after the wedding without listening to his long, rambling explanation of why he had gotten married without telling her) was in on it. You see, Sara still loved Eric, for all that she was absolutely furious with him.

"I just can't believe he fell for this Hellsing person." She said mournfully. "Is it her height? Her hair? Her money?"

"There, there." August soothed. "I'm sure there's a solution to all this. Has anyone tried asking Eric?"

"I was just relieved to know he's alive after I caught that woman cheating on him." May complained. "I was afraid he'd been eaten."

"He won't take my calls." Sara said sadly. "Idiot."

"He's not in town, honey." June said. "Honeymooning."

"Just go over once they're back and explain to his wife how she stole Eric and you want him back. She doesn't look too tough." May declared. She was confident. "I mean, it's not like she really loves him or something. I heard they only met once before the engagement."

'There's such a thing as love at first sight, May. If he loves her, there's nothing to be done. I just wish he would have been man enough to tell me!"

"I know, Sara. Maybe things will work out." June said. "Have some more tea."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When your house has been toilet papered with the kind of toilet paper that is pink, scented, and has a heart design on it, you start to sense that maybe; just maybe, your love life is not going so well.

Such was poor Eric's lot in life. His girlfriend, and probably his sister had vandalized the Hellsing Manor in his absence. How, he was not sure although he suspected it involved winning the sympathy of the maids. Integral's face when she saw the house had made him want to hide under his bed like he had done as a child; he had called and called the offending parties to no avail.

So now he was sitting quietly in his room, looking at a photo in his wallet. It was of Sara at his house, laughing and pulling confetti out of her hair. It was a fond memory, and he wondered whether he should have caved so easily to his father's will. He knew that Lord Feldman would not hesitate to crush Sara's job and the jobs of everyone she knew if Eric didn't comply. But he also felt that maybe he ought to have fought a little harder.

Maybe he should ask Integra...for a divorce. After all, it wasn't as if she'd be heartbroken to see him go, and they'd met the parameters of their orders, hadn't they? They were married. No one said they had to stay married.

"Integra?" Her office was locked.

"Come in." She called back, sounding morose. "You look pleased." She added as he entered and shut the door behind him.

"I had a thought." He began. "We're married."

"So we are." Integra wasn't sure where he was going with this. "Your point?"

"We should get divorced." He said excitedly.

"That...is a good idea. Hm. Now why didn't I think of that? Do you know a discreet divorce lawyer?"

"No, but August knows plenty. She's the one the brides come to right before the wedding to ask if she thinks this is a good idea."

"Good. Go call her and fill out the paperwork. I'm swamped as it is."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're getting a what?" Sir Penwood asked stupidly.

"I refuse to allow this." Sir Irons agreed. Integra raised her eyebrows in amusement.

"You refuse? Are you saying I don't have the right to get a divorce? Are you being sexist with me, Sir Irons? Because if you are I will be happy to-"

He got the hint. "Do as you please, Sir Hellsing." The idea of facing Integra's wrath did not appeal to him, particularly for something so trivial.

"Now that that's over with, shall we get down to business?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How much money did you swindle the fools out of?" Integra pointedly avoided looking at the various eyes that had opened on the wall beside her and continued walking. The meeting was over, the paperwork signed, and her schedule free. She planned on taking advantage of the situation and taking out some time to pursue individual research.

'I didn't swindle anyone, Alucard. I put together a very convincing argument for that budget increase."

"No one was listening to your argument. They were too distracted by your hands. And your gun."

"Little boys are often distracted by shiny things."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dedicated to Erin Ptah, whose birthday was the reason for this chapter. It's late, I know, but this chapter defied all attempts to write it. This is the ninth draft...and I'm not exaggerating. **


End file.
